By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
A large, angry raccoon, which locals have dubbed “Fauxsatawney Fil,” has been on the run from the LAW (Local Animal Whisperer) since February 2. Police and Radiation State Park rangers are stumped.
Fauxsatawney Fil emerged screaming from the Hallowed Burrow on Groundhog Day, advising the thousands camped out on the Common that nuclear winter was nigh and they should all repent.
“When there’s a weird animal in town, sooner or later it always ends up in the Womp,” said Senior Ranger Roc Rubble. (“The Womp” is how Peachhooders and other abutters refer to the park because of the noises that come out of it at night.)
“But in this case,” said Rubble, “we haven’t heard a thing. Or at least, no things any stranger than usual. Definitely no screaming raccoons.”
Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, said he had been trying to attract the creature with a variety of bait – peanut butter, chicken, Pop-Tarts, even a roll of Ye Olde Pepper Mill’s $500 incandescent sushi – but all he’d caught so far was the Womp’s own resident pig-bear and its cub. Several times.
The LAW thinks Fauxsatawney Fil has already skipped town. “He’s big, but not so big that he couldn’t slip across town lines under cover of darkness, especially if he cut through the Womp,” said the officer.
“Who knows where he is now? Proxituate? Kingham? He could be as far as Borewell or even Pemborke by now,” said the LAW. “I said we should have gotten the RAW on this case right off the bat. Bringing him in now, we’ve just made his job that much harder.”
The Regional Animal Whisperer arrived in Fauxhasset this morning and will be working with the LAW and local rangers to locate the angry impostor. Stay tuned for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.