by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Fauxhasset thought it couldn’t get any worse when Fame Island owner Zohn Donne proposed to build a theme park on the precious coastal habitat. And Donne thought it couldn’t get any worse when the town told him “no.” They were both wrong.
The Alien ϨΔиϮα has now purchased Fame Island, including the partially-constructed Fame Gallery of Fame. To what end, no one is certain, and perhaps no one can truly fathom the designs of this foreign mind. Alien ϨΔиϮα, however, says he just wants to build a house.
“Since my arrival on your Holy Day, I have been dwelling in my spacecraft, parked beneath the Hoarder Street Bridge,” said Alien ϨΔиϮα. “Beautiful spot, I say. But I am told that beneath a bridge is not the traditional place to make one’s home in this community.”
“Additionally, the police kept leaving me these attractive orange notes,” continued Alien ϨΔиϮα, “which I now know to be parking tickets. I had collected 38 of them before their true meaning and purpose were revealed to me by an amicable couple walking their dog nearby.”
Neighbors say they don’t want to look across the Harborception and see some shiny metal space-house sticking out above the trees.
“Not only is it ugly – it could blind someone if the sun reflects off it at the wrong angle!” said one neighbor. “And if you thought Zohn’s upcycled kale was a bad building material, imagine the impact a huge metal structure would have on stormwater runoff.”
Donne thought the neighbors were overreacting – “As usual,” he said.
“I’ve spoken with ϨΔиϮα and he doesn’t intend anything so grandiose,” said Donne. “If the neighbors would just speak to him and give him a chance, they’d know that. ϨΔиϮα is working with a skilled local architect to design a home big enough for himself and, maybe one day, a dog. It’s exactly what they were trying to get me to do with the property.”
Donne said he felt kind of bad about handing off the neighbor problem to the new guy in town.
“He won’t know what hit him,” said Donne. “But he was the only one who made an offer on the property, and my family and I needed to wash our hands of it.”
The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore, and Harbor (GOSH), the committee that approves or denies projects that could impact the wetlands, is “cautiously optimistic” about ϨΔиϮα’s application.
“Like everyone in town, we’d love to see an end to the controversy over Fame Island,” the chairperson said in a statement.
Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.
This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.