Fauxhasset Paroder, 32nd Edition: World of Peacecraft

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at Hound Hook Dam]

After single-handedly protecting the town from the goblin threat at Hound Hook Dam, Police Chief Stephen Quill has also single-handedly forged a peace treaty with the underground colony.

rockgoblin

“So… shake on it?” Photo credit

“We’re gonna get our equipment out of their front yard, they’re gonna finish building the culvert, and then we’re both gonna go back to living our separate lives,” Quill reported.

“They’re not charging us for the labor. All they want from us is to go away. Meanwhile, goblin work apparently lasts for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, so we won’t have to repair this again in our lifetimes.”

The treaty stated that the goblins would complete construction of the subbase, culvert and roadway to their own specifications, using their own undisclosed materials and ancient goblin methods now remembered only by a few.

The goblins were unleashed last month when a backhoe cracked into one of their tunnels during construction on the ancient culvert. If Quill hadn’t been nearby, Fauxhasset might well have been overrun by its secret subterranean population.

Despite that, Quill insists that the goblins are peaceful.

300px-goblin_bard

According to Quill, goblins are sensitive, misunderstood creatures. Photo credit

“They swarmed because they felt threatened – and who can blame them?” said Quill. “Turns out the subbase of the culvert is somebody’s living room ceiling.”

The family whose living room was destroyed originally planned to sue the Town. However, they said they would drop the lawsuit if the Town removed its contractors and equipment from the area at once.

“We see everything,” the Goblin King told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “We know your leaders followed due process to acquire easements from surface dwellers abutting the project. That courtesy was not extended to us.”

Officials said they genuinely hadn’t known about the tunnels underneath the dam – or about the goblin population at all – and were not trying to discriminate or treat the goblins unfairly.

But that answer didn’t satisfy the king. “It hasn’t been that long,” he said. “My father helped build that subbase – oh, what was it, five hundred years ago? Awfully short time to forget a whole species.”

Fortunately, the king took a liking to the police details who have been stationed at the collapsed tunnel since January, and Quill was able to negotiate the agreement.

“It’s a win-win-win-win,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The goblins get to remodel their living room – to their specifications. They get us out of their hair. We get them out of ours. And we get a whole new bridge and culvert system as a parting gift.

The goblins have asked the Town to remove all contractors and construction equipment from their roof within 10 days, or the peace treaty is off and the colony will swarm.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

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5 thoughts on “Fauxhasset Paroder, 32nd Edition: World of Peacecraft

  1. Something about the idea Fauxhasset was nearly overrun with goblins, but the inhabitants barely noticed beyond the disruption it caused to their commute, put me in mind of John Paul Jones’ invasion of Britain. Do you know that story? It seems to be a little known fact outside the town of Whitehaven where it happened, but it was a genuine raid on a British port by the US navy. The outcome was if anything even more farcical than the goblins running amok in Fauxhasset. I blogged about it last year, if you’re interested…
    http://www.lakelandwalkingtales.co.uk/king-of-the-copper-mountains/

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