By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
BREAKING: Dredging contractors have inadvertently opened up a black hole in the harbor.
“The job was complete by the Jan. 31 deadline,” said Harbormaster Laurel Hook. “They just liked dredging and kept going. They weren’t charging any extra, so we let them.”
A massive whirlpool has now formed and the black hole is sucking down seawater at about 10,000 gallons per minute. Abutters are calling it #Charybdisgate and fleeing to higher ground. But officials aren’t overly concerned, as long as the moorings hold.
“If you think about it, this really is a good thing,” Town Manager Mown Tanager shouted over the whirlpool’s roar. “Sea level has been on the rise for decades. Draining a substantial portion of the ocean will protect our delicate coastal community for years to come.”
“Of course,” shouted Tanager, “it’ll be another story if we start losing yachts.”
Meanwhile, harbor restaurants Pacifica and Ye Olde Pepper Mill are making the most of the snafu, offering dinner specials with an up-close view of the chaos. The rush of water has carried with it an influx of unusual seafood options, including a large quantity of deep-sea lantern fish. Luminescent sushi is going for $500 a roll, and the red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety for $800 a roll.
“Yes, it is expensive,” owner Ord Girdlehyde said by phone from his winter home in the African savannah. “But it is a very unique experience. Where else can you get such an up-close and intimate view of raw chaos and entropy? You are watching the world end in a much more dramatic fashion than usual. For that, I think the price is very reasonable.”
Guests on a budget are invited to partake in the “Champagne and Charybdis” special for just $250, said Girdlehyde.
The contractors could not be reached for comment, having been swallowed by the whirlpool.