Fauxhasset Paroder, 29th Edition: New restaurant food for thought

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A new restaurant opened in Fauxhasset Village this holiday weekend.

The Harpy’s Hearth promised “varmth, victuals, and a view” to Presidents Day weekend diners, with a menu full of authentic yet affordable Russian fare and a window overlooking the village streets. Uh, street. Just the one. It’s really just Main Street and a couple of glorified alleys around here.

Harpy’s Hearth opened Friday evening in the former location of Sotheby’s (above the Coldwell Banker on the glorified alley Wagon Wheel Way).

Legend has it that this address was once home to the popular restaurant Ozone, but like the rest of the village storefronts, it was converted into a real estate office in the early aughts.

Yes, but the row of real estate offices creates perfect rhythm and symmetry in the village. Photo credit

“I know this is an unpopular belief,” said Harpy’s Hearth owner Don Donovan, “but I think that, if we want more residents, the way to get them isn’t by adding more real estate offices; it’s by adding more stuff like this. The way to a person’s heart is through their stomach.”

“It seems to be working well for Reykjavik Recollections,” Donovan added. The popular Icelandic bakery just celebrated 25 years in business, making it the last holdout from the pre-real-estate-office era.

Officials have their doubts.

“We’re taking a risk here,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “If you want to sell real estate, you need real estate offices; people can’t just show up on the property they want with a suitcase full of cash.”

“Don’s a great guy – we all love him and want him to succeed,” Tanager added. “We just think he may have bitten off more than he can chew with this venture. His eyes are bigger than his stomach.”

Still, Tanager and the Assembly of Chosen were willing to give it a shot, provided the restaurant reserved space behind the bar for Sotheby’s agents who wished to conduct business there. The space will continue to operate as a full-service real estate office during daytime business hours, with the added bonus of a full bar to help lubricate those wallets.

“This arrangement really gives us the best of both worlds,” said Tanager. “We’re hopeful.”


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