Fauxhasset Paroder, 28th Edition: Say it ain’t snow

Just when officials thought they had finally done away with winter once and for all, a massive snowstorm pummeled the town, dumping 12 feet of the cold white stuff on Fauxhasset on Thursday and Friday.

“We’re as surprised as anyone,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager via carrier squirrel (phones and internet were, of course, the first casualties of the storm, and the municipal pigeons kept getting blown off course in the gale).

“We knew what was in the forecast, but we didn’t think it would hit us,” Tanager said. “That wasn’t part of the deal with CONFIDENTIAL – WARNING – THIS INFORMATION IS PROTECTED AND CAN ONLY BE UNLOCKED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE UNDERSIGNED. THIS SQUIRREL WILL SELF-DESTRUCT.”

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Reneging on the deal! After all those ritual sacrifices! Photo credit

 

DPW admits they were only prepared for 12 inches of snow, not 12 feet, and were unable to keep up with the onslaught. They finally handed the reins to the Panic Brigade on Thursday night.

The brigade drafted 10,000 mercenary snow squirrels, including the squirrel carrier fleet, to clear the mess and dig tunnels so people would at least be able to travel on the main roads. After all, it’s not like school would be cancelled. Superintendent Vetsy DaBoss hasn’t declared a snow day in 46 years.

“They’re is no snow,” DaBoss alleged during an emergency meeting of the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) in an igloo hastily constructed for their purposes.

“Do you see snow?” demanded DaBoss. “Because what I see are pig-bears, mutant deers, and drug-dealing coyotes running rampant in your town. These kids don’t need a Snow Day, they need nuclear missiles to protect themselves with.”

The superintendent spoke loudly, gesticulating widely, but did not move her mouth. BAE voted unanimously in terror to open schools on Friday and members returned to their homes on thoroughly squirrel-scoured streets beneath the six-foot ceiling of snow.

If you need help clearing your driveway, roof, or a path to your door, well, the phones are still down and all the carrier squirrels have been drafted, so we hope whatever god you pray to is feeling kindly; perhaps a squirrel will pay you a visit soon.

Until then, the Panic Brigade recommends strictly rationing your supply of milky bread.

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