Fauxhasset Paroder, 27th Edition: Signs of the times

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A clandestine group has altered the speed limit along 3A by taping poster board signs that say “35 mph” over the legally posted “50 mph” ones. Police advise motorists to travel at the official speed limit and ignore the posters.

“The driving along that stretch of road is already… unpredictable,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “We don’t need to make it any worse. People should just drive the speed they always drive there until we’re able to take down all the posters.”

 

Although the exact identities of the perpetrators are yet unknown, it’s no surprise that advocates of a lower speed limit have taken matters into their own hands. Over the years, various community groups have fought fruitlessly for lower speed limits and traffic signals at a handful of difficult intersections in town.

3A is a state highway, so any alterations must come down from on high, and that can take anywhere from four to 40 years. Still, proponents evidently hoped that the curb cuts being added for the new self-storage facility would be enough to win them a traffic light in that location.

However, the state told the Planning Board last night that people who are entering the facility to store themselves cryogenically will not need to exit for at least 50 more years, at which time someone else can deal with the traffic issues.

The handmade speed limit signs appeared overnight after the meeting. Police have narrowed the field of suspects to active liberals who attended the Women’s March for America, since the signs were drawn on the back of posters that said “Nasty women grab back,” “Impeach the Cheeto,” and “Keep your tiny hands off our rights.”

Handwriting experts are now reviewing the evidence and hope to make a finding sometime in the next week.

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