By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Punxsutawney Phil was a no-show this year.
Thousands gathered by the Hallowed Burrow on the Common for the annual Groundhog Day ceremony at sunup on Feb. 2. Even the Middle-High School students were there, having finally ended their voluntary lockdown after the inauguration of President Jimmy Garoppolo on Jan. 20.
The lingering congress of Halloween ghosts, who could not be persuaded to leave the Common after their contract expired Jan. 1, produced a suitably mystical mist as anticipation built. Local bakery Reykjavik Recollections served breakfast. Work, school, and governmental activity had all, of course, been cancelled for the occasion.
But the day wore on, and Punxsutawney Phil never showed. As dusk falls, the crowd has begun pitching tents and building campfires in preparation for an overnight vigil. Business as usual has been put on hold indefinitely.
Members of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) are beyond concerned.
“Not to be a doomsayer, but this is incredibly ominous,” said a GREG spokesperson, who had set up a small altar and was burning bundles of fresh herbs in atonement. “Mr. Phil has never missed a Groundhog Day since he took over for the Roman Hedgehog RALPH (Romulus Augustus Legolas Petrificus-totalus Hedgehogius, May He Rest in Peace) in 1887.”
GREG fears that the groundhog’s absence means spring will not come – not six weeks from now, and not ever. It’s possible we are all going to die.
“Mr. Phil is a prophet,” said GREG. “He knows something we don’t. Either climate change has caught up to us, or there’s something even worse on the way between now and the equinox. I suggest you all repent.”