By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
BREAKING: a creature claiming to be Punxsutawney Phil has emerged from the Hallowed Burrow on the Common, screaming that nuclear winter is nigh.
“Repent!” screamed the creature as it tore through the campsite. “I’m Punxsutawney Phil!”
The alleged Mr. Phil then took off in the direction of the Village. Witnesses described the screaming rodent as a “large raccoon” rather than a groundhog, saying that it was much larger and more aggressive than the Mr. Phil they remembered from previous years, and also armed.
“Phil and I have had Sams at the Legion every February 2 since 1982,” said one witness. “I don’t know who that guy was, but it wasn’t Phil.”
Raccoons can weigh anywhere from 12 to 36 pounds, with some getting as large as 50 pounds, and they range in length from 23 to 38 inches. This specimen was reported at the higher end of that range. In contrast, the mild-mannered Mr. Phil weighs in at less than 10 pounds.
Police received calls from several people in the Village area shortly after the impostor appeared. One caller reported that the angry raccoon tried to attack him and his wife on Wagon Wheel Way. The animal then went on the roof before going down the alley toward the dumpsters.
Police surrounded the dumpster, but when they opened it, the creature had already fled. The department is confident, however, that the imposter can only evade the LAW (Local Animal Whisperer) for so long.
It is recommended that all residents camped out on the Common pack up their tents and head home for the night. Don’t forget to deadbolt your doors! Remember, the impostor is armed and dangerous. This message is brought to you by the Panic Brigade, which is also preparing small bundles of herbs for burnt offerings if anyone feels like repenting.
Stay tuned for more as this story develops.
This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.