Fauxhasset Paroder, 31st Edition: #Charybdisgate

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: Dredging contractors have inadvertently opened up a black hole in the harbor.

“The job was complete by the Jan. 31 deadline,” said Harbormaster Laurel Hook. “They just liked dredging and kept going. They weren’t charging any extra, so we let them.”

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Get your glowing sushi at Ye Olde Pepper Mill for $500 a roll ($800 for the rarer, red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety). Photo credit

A massive whirlpool has now formed and the black hole is sucking down seawater at about 10,000 gallons per minute. Abutters are calling it #Charybdisgate and fleeing to higher ground. But officials aren’t overly concerned, as long as the moorings hold.

“If you think about it, this really is a good thing,” Town Manager Mown Tanager shouted over the whirlpool’s roar. “Sea level has been on the rise for decades. Draining a substantial portion of the ocean will protect our delicate coastal community for years to come.”

“Of course,” shouted Tanager, “it’ll be another story if we start losing yachts.”

Meanwhile, harbor restaurants Pacifica and Ye Olde Pepper Mill are making the most of the snafu, offering dinner specials with an up-close view of the chaos. The rush of water has carried with it an influx of unusual seafood options, including a large quantity of deep-sea lantern fish. Luminescent sushi is going for $500 a roll, and the red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety for $800 a roll.

“Yes, it is expensive,” owner Ord Girdlehyde said by phone from his winter home in the African savannah. “But it is a very unique experience. Where else can you get such an up-close and intimate view of raw chaos and entropy? You are watching the world end in a much more dramatic fashion than usual. For that, I think the price is very reasonable.”

Guests on a budget are invited to partake in the “Champagne and Charybdis” special for just $250, said Girdlehyde.

The contractors could not be reached for comment, having been swallowed by the whirlpool.

 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 30th Edition: Inside Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes

As everyone knows, the Fauxhasset School District is ranked first in the universe for PIE (Professorless Independent Education). What does PIE look like in action? The Paroder goes behind the scenes at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Of course, this is only half the picture. The lower elementary school split back in 1921, just two decades into the Hundred-Year Teacher Strike. Since then, kindergarten through second grade girls have attended Princess Elsa’s School, while the boys have attended Captain America’s School for the Awesome.

Unfortunately, though the Paroder tried to get footage of Captain America’s School as well, your reporter was not permitted to pass the “No Girls Aloud” sign.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 29th Edition: New restaurant food for thought

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A new restaurant opened in Fauxhasset Village this holiday weekend.

The Harpy’s Hearth promised “varmth, victuals, and a view” to Presidents Day weekend diners, with a menu full of authentic yet affordable Russian fare and a window overlooking the village streets. Uh, street. Just the one. It’s really just Main Street and a couple of glorified alleys around here.

Harpy’s Hearth opened Friday evening in the former location of Sotheby’s (above the Coldwell Banker on the glorified alley Wagon Wheel Way).

Legend has it that this address was once home to the popular restaurant Ozone, but like the rest of the village storefronts, it was converted into a real estate office in the early aughts.

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Yes, but the row of real estate offices creates perfect rhythm and symmetry in the village. Photo credit

“I know this is an unpopular belief,” said Harpy’s Hearth owner Don Donovan, “but I think that, if we want more residents, the way to get them isn’t by adding more real estate offices; it’s by adding more stuff like this. The way to a person’s heart is through their stomach.”

“It seems to be working well for Reykjavik Recollections,” Donovan added. The popular Icelandic bakery just celebrated 25 years in business, making it the last holdout from the pre-real-estate-office era.

Officials have their doubts.

“We’re taking a risk here,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “If you want to sell real estate, you need real estate offices; people can’t just show up on the property they want with a suitcase full of cash.”

“Don’s a great guy – we all love him and want him to succeed,” Tanager added. “We just think he may have bitten off more than he can chew with this venture. His eyes are bigger than his stomach.”

Still, Tanager and the Assembly of Chosen were willing to give it a shot, provided the restaurant reserved space behind the bar for Sotheby’s agents who wished to conduct business there. The space will continue to operate as a full-service real estate office during daytime business hours, with the added bonus of a full bar to help lubricate those wallets.

“This arrangement really gives us the best of both worlds,” said Tanager. “We’re hopeful.”