Fauxhasset Paroder, 24th Edition: Displeasure Island

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

No man is an island, but this man owns one. Which isn’t so unusual around here. But Zohn Donne’s island isn’t in the Caribbean. No, Fauxhasset, his island is right in your back yards, and he wants to build a theme park on it.

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It will be almost as epic as the skydiving machine and ice palace at the divided lower elementary school. Photo credit

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) deliberated over the plans for eight hours Monday night before finally voting 4-3 against the project, citing environmental concerns.

“‘Not environmentally friendly?’” said Donne. “We’re planting mitigation flora on top of the carousel! The water slide protects the salt marsh by recycling storm water runoff! My roller coaster is built out of upcycled kale!

Officials, however, were displeased at Donne’s plans to remove some of the coastal ledge to create Space Mountain-esque tunnels. Modifying the ledge in any way, they said, is “out of the question.”

Donne purchased Fame Island practically for pennies. The 6.68 acre waterfront lot was sold to him in 2016 for just $1.2 million. Donne says it was always his plan to put an amusement park there, and that GOSH’s objections represent an unconstitutional taking.

In addition to rides, Donne had hoped to install an art museum honoring famous people. The “Fame Island Gallery of Fame” would feature wax figures, paintings, and other artistic representations of celebrities. The museum, Donne said, would support local artists by creating jobs and by donating a portion of its proceeds to the Arts Center.

But none of that can come about without approval from GOSH, and they’re not giving it. Neither, however, is Donne giving up.

“This isn’t the last they’ll see of me,” Donne said after the hearing. “There’s a conspiracy in this town. Last year, the Assembly of Chosen voted not to allow dancing at the Mad Elephant Hotel. The year before that, they outlawed parties with five or more teenage guests.”

“And now,” Donne continued, “they’re saying ‘no’ to an amusement park – one with less than zero environmental impact, that would benefit local artists and rake in commercial taxes that the town really needs. And they really think people will believe they don’t have an ulterior motive?”

“I’m suing,” Donne concluded. “And you can go ahead and print that. This is war.”

This article is a parody. Read the original stories in the Cohasset Mariner here and here, or follow the whole saga if you happen to have way too much time on your hands.

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