Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Lame Jane condos

Dear Editor,

Normally I would not take the time to write to your paper, as I am busy man. However, your last issue had me absolutely floored. Imagine my surprise when I opened the paper to see your mysterious eight pointed symbol, only to find that the paper did not even know the nature of this iconography. As a religious teacher at the Flaxen-Mary Abbey and longtime self-taught religious scholar, I felt it was my duty to inform your readers to its true purpose and the possible danger that awaits Fauxhasset.

There is no doubt in my mind that the symbol is one from the Egyptian religious mythos. Specifically, it can only be the “Star of Ishtar.”  I am sure my equally educated peers will agree, but for your readers, I will give a small backstory of the Goddess Ishtar.

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Ishtar is one of the lesser known false deities worshipped in the Egyptian tradition. Photo credit

Some scholars believe Ishtar was more than an Egyptian goddess. She possibly could have been a regional deity of both Northern Africa and the Middle East. 

Any encyclopedia will mention that Ishtar was a goddess of many things: of power, war,  love (both in the traditional sense and the pleasures of the flesh), and of course fertility. Most importantly, she is linked to tales of the underworld. 

The Star of Ishtar, her symbol, is well-known to be an eight-pointed star, as people of the time were fascinated by the simple geometric shape of the octagon. But these eight points have yet another meaning more relevant to Lame Jane’s curious housing woes.

It is believed in Egyptian Mythology that eight gates separate the world of the living from the world of the dead. Now, normally, this is the god Osiris’ domain. In several myths however, Ishtar is noted to have control over these gates. It is one such myth, in which she opens the gates and threatens to unleash the dead upon the living, that I find the most troubling.

Putting aside the fact that Heaven and Hell are the only true afterlives, I believe someone is trying to use the Star to summon forth an army of the dead.

As a religious scholar, I can speak with confidence about the afterlife from the perspective of several religions. One commonly accepted theory is that the afterlife is a large plane of existence (how else would it contain all the souls of everyone who has died since the creation of the world?). This would fully explain why the houses at Lame Jane seem bigger on the inside: They truly are, for the Star has linked the mortal plane with that of the afterlife. 

At this point, I fear I have wasted far too much time writing this. If the Paroder asks me to write a fuller account of the possible dangers to your town, perhaps I will. I can only encourage you all to stay vigilant and, of course, pray.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen-Mary Abbey, Kingham 

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8 thoughts on “Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Lame Jane condos

  1. Thank you for the post. Very interesting reading. Yet I’m Arab and live near Egypt, I never know much about the old Egyptian Myths. It’s always good to know about how our ancient nations thought of religions and afterlife. I think the dead are busy with their new life and it’s difficult (probably they don’t want) to be unleashed back to our world. Would any body wish to get back to the uterus after they are living here?!

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