by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Please disregard the video footage aired by our broadcast team during the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks this week. It was accidentally misdirected from an alternate universe and formatted to fit your TV.
The board noticed halfway through the Marathon that their counterparts on the broadcast monitor were wearing the wrong outfits. At first they believed the footage had originated at a prior meeting, one at which Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk was wearing a white sweater instead of a black one. But then She-Chosen Kaia Dennis noticed that her counterpart seemed to have a robotic arm.
“I never had a robotic body mod – not that there’s anything wrong with that,” said Dennis. “But that’s definitely not me.”
The broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, pulled up the footage on his laptop and was surprised to find that it had been recorded in the old-fashioned horizontal orientation using twentieth-century two-dimensional graphics. There did not seem to be any hologram data attached to the files.
There was, however, audio, and what the board heard left them deeply rattled.
“That’s not me,” Dennis said again. “But that’s my voice! And my face. And that’s Mevin’s voice and face, and Saul and Gene and Jiles. Who are these people, and how did they manage to steal not just one identity, but the entire board’s?”
The content of the alternate board’s discussion was equally baffling. Members spoke of helping Cedar Acres (“Do they mean Achey Cedars?” asked Kirk), of replacing Town Hall (“But we just rebuilt the Temple,” objected Dennis), and of noise complaints at an establishment called the “Cohasset Harbor Inn.”
“He said Coh,” noticed He-Chosen Saul Preston. “Co-hasset, not Faux-hasset. And they keep calling themselves the ‘Board of Selectmen.’ I think, somehow, we’ve picked up a transmission from some other dimension – some other Fauxhasset.”
At that moment, Jax swore audibly.
“I know what happened,” said Jax. “Somewhere out there, there’s a town called ‘Cohasset’ that’s extremely confused about the meeting that aired on their TVs tonight. I’m sorry; this is my fault. I broke the most important rule of broadcasting: Don’t cross the streams!”
The information contained in the alien broadcast may be hazardous to your mental health. Complimentary memory modification will be provided to all affected Fauxhasset residents. No action is required at this time. If you were watching, we know about it. The Panic Brigade will be paying you a visit this weekend.
If you saw the broadcast and have not had your memory modified by Monday, please contact police immediately.