By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
This should go without saying, but with the coyote population on the rise and police reports about the wily creatures following suit, it bears repeating: people of Fauxhasset, do not feed the coyotes. Seriously, whoever is doing it, stop.
Now, we all know coyotes aren’t as bad as everyone thinks. There have only been five reported cases of coyotes biting humans in Fauxachusetts — ever — and only two known fatal attacks in North America in the history of our country. But that doesn’t mean coyotes make good pets. These aren’t stray cats; they’re wild animals.
How wild? Well, one coyote clan got a little too comfortable in a neighborhood off Whelming Street down by the harbor and threw a rager Saturday night. They booked a DJ, loaded up on wolfsbane (an herb that acts as a narcotic among canines and has strong anthropomorphic effects), and partied into the wee hours of the morning, howling all the while.
Neighbors said it was definitively “wild,” and many felt threatened by the howling, which they took for a sign of aggression. Coyotes on the scene said they were just letting off a little steam after another long week of the grind. They said they didn’t mean to frighten anyone and had no intent of attacking.
It took K-9 units from six towns to quell the disturbance. The crowd finally dispersed a little after 3:00 a.m. Three coyotes were taken into protective custody for refusing to cooperate with authorities. Protective custody is a tool police can use to handle intoxicated individuals and is not an arrest.
Mad Elephant Hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde offered free lodging to those who had traveled and had no transportation home and no place to stay. (The MFTA commuter rail, of course, doesn’t run this far into the suburbs, or that late at night.)
“I just want to get them off the street and give them someplace safe to go so that everybody can get some sleep,” Girdlehyde told police at the time of the incident – by phone, of course, as he had already departed for his winter home in the African savannah. He had learned about the commotion after one of the coyotes livestreamed portions of the party on Facebook.
“If giving the coyotes free lodging is what it takes to solve the problem, then okay, give them free lodging,” he said.
Cranky, sleep-deprived neighbors weren’t so sure of Girdlehyde’s motives.
“He put them up to it,” insisted one abutter. “It’s not ‘solving the problem’ if you created the problem in the first place. I’ll bet Ord booked the DJ himself! And who do you think has been feeding all these coyotes so they keep coming back? Ord doesn’t care about Fauxhasset. He doesn’t even live here.”
Despite Girdlehyde’s unpopularity with certain residents, police were confident that no man could have acted alone to create the “coyote crisis” gripping the town.
“It’s been a slow build,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “Every town in Fauxachusetts was seeing the same thing. We didn’t think much of it when the calls started rolling in this fall, because everyone was having the same problem. Now we see that people weren’t just crying wolf.”
In addition to refraining from feeding coyotes, residents are urged to keep an eye on pets, especially when letting them out at night. If you see a coyote, police recommend “hazing” it by making a loud noise or throwing an object to startle it away.
Flash grenades are available from the Panic Brigade for interested residents, while supplies last.
This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner, with more tips on how to coexist peacefully with coyotes.