Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Blame ET for condos

Dear editor,

Following the Paroder’s latest report on the 8 Lame Jane townhomes (“Condo Quandary,” Jan. 17), I wanted to provide an update about my investigation into this matter. While it is true that my firm pulled me from the formal investigation, that has not stopped me from making my own inquiries.

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Buster DeGost said being fired by the Ghostbusters bummed him out at first, but it freed him up to make the greatest discovery of his career. Photo credit

After months of study, it is no longer my opinion that the symbol discovered in the basement of the townhomes is of demonic origin, nor that the units’ otherworldly architecture was created by such.

I do, however, still believe that the impossible dimensions of the townhomes are tied to other strange incidents in your town, including a pothole swallowing a child and a space-time rift that was interfering with the length of public meetings. The appearance of an alien “Santa” on Christmas Eve only serves to bolster my theory: that all these bizarre happenings can be traced back to extraterrestrial activity.

It is too early for me to go into further detail, but I urge the people of Fauxhasset to work with me to unravel this mystery. This is not just about a condominium development potentially eating future homeowners. What’s happening at 8 Lame Jane will affect everyone. If you see something, say something, and be sure to @ me on Twitter @japandamanda.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Sincerely,

Buster DeGost, private investigator, former Ghostbuster

P.S. Do not concern yourself about getting revenge on my former employer. Proving I’m right will be vengeance enough. Plus, getting fired meant I didn’t have to attend that stupid Christmas party, so I really should be thanking you!

Fauxhasset Paroder, 25th Edition: The Goblin King

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Contractors on the Hound Hook Dam project accidentally cracked into the goblin tunnels under the town on Wednesday, forcing officials to shut down Peachhood Street at the height of the afternoon rush hour. Drivers had to be rerouted through Proxituate, tacking 10 extra minutes onto their commute.

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Police Chief Stephen Quill grapples with a goblin. Screen grab from cruiser cam courtesy of Fauxhasset Police. Photo credit

“The timing of the incident could not have been more inconsiderate,” Town Manager Mown Tanager said in a statement. “It was incredibly burdensome to the commuters of Fauxhasset who had worked long days and just wanted to get home to their families. We have made it crystal clear to the project manager that disruptions like this will not be tolerated going forward.”

When approached for comment, the project manager could only clutch his face and gibber, surveying the carnage that had, until three hours earlier, been his worksite.

The environmental monitor simply said, “We delved too greedily and too deep.”

The Paroder finally got the scoop from a backhoe operator, Mac McMack, who had been operating the machine when it struck the tunnel and caused the collapse.

“There was, like, this wicked loud noise, right, and then the ground just f—kin dropped,” McMack described with a heavy Fauxston accent. “I jumped outta the cab and stahted running, right, only this swahm of goblins was comin’ outta the ground – there was, like, three ’undred of ’em, you wouldn’t believe it – and they f—kin took me down and dragged me undahground.”

“It was wicked dahk down there, couldn’t see a thing,” McMack continued. “I thought I was probably gonna die down there. But next thing I know, the little gray bastahds staht retreating and the police are pulling me out, askin’ if I’m all right. Well, I told ’im, yeah, I’m all right – you know, physically and all. But I’m still kinda f—ked in the head, you know? Nevah seen anything like that befoah.”

A dashboard camera from the responding police cruiser showed Police Chief Stephen Quill leaping to action. After Tasing the goblin who appeared to be leading the charge, the pacifist Chief still did not reach for a lethal weapon, but instead made due with a little debris and a lot of ingenuity.

Quill used a fallen tree branch to down some electrical wires, which he then fashioned into a whip to drive the goblins back underground. Kids, don’t try this at home. Adults, do whatever you want, but don’t come crying to the Panic Brigade when you fry the family dog and your house goes up in flames.

Though rattled, McMack rallied and used the backhoe to refill the hole, which is now being guarded by a round-the-clock police detail until officials decide what to do next.

Quill declined to comment, saying only that he wished people on Facebook would stop calling him the “Goblin King.”

“That’s a term for the head honcho within the goblin community,” said Quill. “I wouldn’t want to ruffle any feathers. Or… whatever goblins have for an epidermis. And David Bowie must be rolling over in his grave every time someone tweets that.”

Tanager concluded his statement, “We are impressed and grateful for the Police Chief’s calm and measured, yet swift and decisive, action in the face of this threat to our commuters’ convenience. He truly is the Hero of the Goblin Wars. We just wish he would’ve asked DPW to post a detour sign at the end of Peachhood Street.”

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 24th Edition: Displeasure Island

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

No man is an island, but this man owns one. Which isn’t so unusual around here. But Zohn Donne’s island isn’t in the Caribbean. No, Fauxhasset, his island is right in your back yards, and he wants to build a theme park on it.

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It will be almost as epic as the skydiving machine and ice palace at the divided lower elementary school. Photo credit

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) deliberated over the plans for eight hours Monday night before finally voting 4-3 against the project, citing environmental concerns.

“‘Not environmentally friendly?’” said Donne. “We’re planting mitigation flora on top of the carousel! The water slide protects the salt marsh by recycling storm water runoff! My roller coaster is built out of upcycled kale!

Officials, however, were displeased at Donne’s plans to remove some of the coastal ledge to create Space Mountain-esque tunnels. Modifying the ledge in any way, they said, is “out of the question.”

Donne purchased Fame Island practically for pennies. The 6.68 acre waterfront lot was sold to him in 2016 for just $1.2 million. Donne says it was always his plan to put an amusement park there, and that GOSH’s objections represent an unconstitutional taking.

In addition to rides, Donne had hoped to install an art museum honoring famous people. The “Fame Island Gallery of Fame” would feature wax figures, paintings, and other artistic representations of celebrities. The museum, Donne said, would support local artists by creating jobs and by donating a portion of its proceeds to the Arts Center.

But none of that can come about without approval from GOSH, and they’re not giving it. Neither, however, is Donne giving up.

“This isn’t the last they’ll see of me,” Donne said after the hearing. “There’s a conspiracy in this town. Last year, the Assembly of Chosen voted not to allow dancing at the Mad Elephant Hotel. The year before that, they outlawed parties with five or more teenage guests.”

“And now,” Donne continued, “they’re saying ‘no’ to an amusement park – one with less than zero environmental impact, that would benefit local artists and rake in commercial taxes that the town really needs. And they really think people will believe they don’t have an ulterior motive?”

“I’m suing,” Donne concluded. “And you can go ahead and print that. This is war.”

This article is a parody. Read the original stories in the Cohasset Mariner here and here, or follow the whole saga if you happen to have way too much time on your hands.