Fauxhasset Paroder, 15th Edition: Ghosts of Christmas present

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

With less than a week to go until the big day, officials have finally, after significant mediation, reached an agreement about how Santa Claus will arrive in town the night of Christmas Eve.

Santa will not arrive by sleigh (the widely accepted tradition), nor by lobster boat (the local tradition), but by duck boat: a new and improved tradition that captures “the best of both worlds,” according to Assembly of Chosen Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk.


The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) is breeding a custom flock of “reinducks” to pull the duck boat and says that, with a little bit of “science,” he can have them ready for Christmas Eve. Photo credit

To reach this decision, the Chosen conducted an emergency séance with the spirits of our forefathers, a bold move undertaken only as an absolute last resort. There hasn’t been an emergency séance since that time the lobsters starting waging guerilla warfare against lobstermen in the 1990s.

“The forefathers have never steered us wrong,” said Kirk. “We asked them to knock once if Santa should arrive by land, and twice if by sea. They knocked three times, so I think the answer is pretty clear: it’s both. And the only way to do that is by duck boat.”

The Chosen reached out to Governor Barley Chaker and to Warty Malsh, Mayor of Fauxston, about renting a duck boat from the city. Chaker and Malsh were more than happy to make the arrangements.

Now the only problem left is what to do about abutters to the Town Common, who have taken issue with the congress of ghosts that has been lingering since Halloween.

The Paroder previously reported that the Town had extended its contract with the congress. Ghosts were trained to sing Christmas carols and produce isolated cold spots and snowfall, guaranteeing the first white Christmas Fauxhasset has seen in a number of years.

Abutters, however, are complaining that the snow drifts are wet, cold, and depressing, not to mention dangerous for motorists and pedestrians alike.

“Why should we have to suffer so the rest of the town can enjoy a white Christmas?” said one abutter. “Send those ghosts over to dump snow on everybody else’s driveway and see if they still want a white Christmas then!”

“It’s bad enough that we have to deal with that awful stuff for half the year,” said another. “We’re lucky enough not to have snow – why would anyone want to pretend we did? Just because we live in New England doesn’t mean we have to be miserable all the time.”

“The constant caroling and billowing inflatables have got to stop,” added a third abutter. “My children can’t sleep. It’s like living across from Ye Olde Pepper Mill.” (The Mill, as we all know, is infamous for violating the noise, liquor, and dancing clauses of its Fun Allowance Permit on a fairly frequent basis.)

The Chosen agreed to have the ghosts quiet down after 8:00 p.m. and said they would talk to the congress about keeping the snow piles away from people’s driveways. However, they were not willing to cancel the display altogether.

“Last year, these same neighbors complained that the Christmas lights were too bright, so we went with something dark and morbid this year, and they still aren’t happy,” said Kirk. “We can’t win. They’ll just have to deal with the ghosts for five more nights, and that’s that.”


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