Fauxhasset Paroder, 14th Edition: Oh, Deer!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Be careful out there, drivers! Police have responded to no less than seven incidents this week in which a driver collided with an animal in the roadway.

“Deer are very active this time of year – it’s their mating season,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “In most cases, there wasn’t much the driver could’ve done to avoid a collision. Really it was the deer that ran into the car, not the other way around.”

The victims, however, described it a little differently.

deer-with-many-horns-52944

An artist’s rendering of the beast described by witnesses. Photo credit

“The thing I hit was not a deer,” said Marissa Marsh, a soccer mom who spoke with the Paroder at the scene of one of the accidents. The four boys riding with her at the time of the incident agreed.

“It had, like, 50 antlers,” said Charlie Diggins, a third-grade student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. “It was like it had a whole tree on its head.”

“And it didn’t ‘run into’ the car like it was some sort of accident,” added his friend, Darrel Marsh, also a third-grader at Captain America’s. “More like it challenged us. Mom slammed on the brakes and swerved, and the thing charged straight at us.”

Police assured Marsh and the boys that the animal was, in fact, just a deer, and sometimes fear can make us see things as more frightening than they really are, and perhaps they should all spend a few moments with the EMTs getting checked for signs of concussion.

The car had to be towed and was likely totaled, according to police on the scene. The deer had fled. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) was studying its tracks on the roadside to confirm that it was, in fact, just an ordinary deer. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

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