Fauxhasset Paroder, 13th Edition: Time is not on town’s side

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A possible rift in the space-time continuum, responsible for shaving 20 minutes off the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks a few weeks ago, may have widened, according to experts.

“Time taking up more or less space than it’s supposed to is a classic sign of a rift,” said Buster DeGost, a consultant hired by the town to determine why the new Lame Jane’s condos are bigger inside than out and whether that poses any risk to potential homebuyers.

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Oh, well. Time is an illusion, anyway. Photo credit

DeGost said it piqued his interest when the Annual Town Séance held last week wrapped up in a record 33 minutes.

The Annual Town Séance is held once a year in November so the spirits of our forefathers can ensure that we are doing things just as we have always done them. Normally it takes at least 33 minutes just to get all 8,000 Fauxhasset residents to shut up so the Town Manager can start the invocation.

In contrast, the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) met for 33 hours straight on Wednesday (and Thursday, and part of Friday). The Panic Brigade had to be dispatched to the meeting with emergency rations as members of both the board and the public became severely hangry and dehydrated.

No one is sure what transpired at that meeting. BAE is shrouded in mystery and always has been, despite the fact that they post and hold their meetings publicly in accordance with the bylaw. We can, however, be confident that the meeting had little to do with our children’s education, since the teachers are still on strike.

33 minutes. 33 hours. Is there some significance to the number 33? DeGost doesn’t think so.

“The significance is that these events are becoming more frequent and drastic,” said DeGost. “And there could not be a worse time for this to happen than during the holidays, when time is already so muddled. No matter how long the office Christmas party seems to drag on, this season just flies by.”

DeGost said he will continue to investigate the rift and any possible connection it might have to the impossible square footage of the Lame Jane’s condos.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

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3 thoughts on “Fauxhasset Paroder, 13th Edition: Time is not on town’s side

  1. Pingback: Fauxhasset Paroder, 23rd Edition: Condo quandary | Sashimi for Breakfast

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