By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
BREAKING: Residents of Achey Cedars Way are being evacuated after reports came in that the street was “eating children.”
On the scene, petrified parents clung to each other and their remaining children (which turned out to be all but one of them) while gazing into the depths of a ten-foot-wide pothole.
“Doesn’t that look bigger than last night?” said a man in a suit, swirling a glass of red wine. His neighbors agreed that the pothole did seem larger and began to discuss, carefully out of your reporter’s earshot, who they could sue for this, and for how much.
According to police, Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, had tripped and fallen into the pothole and then completely disappeared.
Police said the emergency call came from Habitha Lembas, Shorty’s mother, after she witnessed the same pothole swallowing a Mini Cooper some time later; she had not believed her daughter’s initial report that the street had “eaten Shorty.”
While she was on the line, Habitha reported watching a UPS delivery truck also vanish into the street.
Habitha then asked the police to excuse her, as she had to go see about an Amazon package she thought was being delivered by the truck.
Habitha and her husband Larry Lembas declined to comment for this article. The Paroder got the scoop from Shorty’s seven-year-old sister, Dooey Lembas, spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.
Dooey was the only kid in the neighborhood not crying. Instead, she was stomping around with a garden rake, wearing a too-large football helmet and a toy shield. Her knees were bleeding from an attempt to dive into the pothole to save her brother.
“This is all my fault,” said Dooey. “I threw the Frisbee too high on purpose. It’s this joke we have, because Shorty’s so, ya know, short. And like, it’s funny, you know? Except this time, it wasn’t funny.”
Dooey said she saw her brother fall and, after waiting a few seconds for him to get up, ran over to help. When she arrived at the edge of the pothole, he was nowhere to be seen.
Dooey said her parents thought Shorty was just playing his favorite game – hiding from them – and started hunting for him. That’s when she took it upon herself to go after her brother, but she said she was unable to get the pothole to “open up” again.
“Mom stopped me from going in after the UPS truck,” Dooey said. “I’m keeping an eye on it, though. I’ll do whatever it takes to get Shorty back. Sure, he goes to Captain America’s, but he’s still family. I have eight brothers, and I’d do the same for any of them.”
Dooey was then discovered and dragged away by her parents, who again declined to comment for this article.
A contractor is now attempting to patch the pothole. However, the hole seems to have no bottom and simply continues to swallow the cement. More on this flagrant defiance of the laws of physics as it develops.
The Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) has offered to put up the whole neighborhood free of charge until this issue is resolved. Please note that Achey Cedars Way is closed to all traffic. Residents are reminded that yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape should not be crossed.
This story is a parody. Read the original article in the Cohasset Mariner.