By Thamanda Crompson
BREAKING: An outside consultant has now officially confirmed reports that the heavy fog over Fauxhasset this morning is comprised of The Worst Smell In The World.
The first complaints came from residents along the coast around 5:30 a.m.
“The first caller thought it was a septic failure,” recounted Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The second thought he smelled an electrical fire. We’ve heard the odor described as neighbors cooking too much cabbage, someone smoking outside the window – an invisible someone, with an invisible cigarette – the overwhelming odor of olives, and, for some reason, a U-Haul full of black licorice.”
The consultant explained, “The Worst Smell In The World is heterogeneous. It targets individuals by smelling like the thing they hate the most.”
By the time parents were sending students to bus stops, the foul fog had reached the Village. And by 8:00 a.m., the entire town was blanketed in it, prompting Tanager to reach out to the consultant.
The consultant, as he strapped on his gas mask, said all we can really do is get a “juice gun and rainy day coat.” Or at least, that’s what it sounded like through the mask.
Residents, do not panic. Leave that to the Panic Brigade. They’ve spent years drilling for an emergency such as this and are certified by the State Emergency Department to respond appropriately in the face of any crisis.
Do not go outside if you can help it. Trust us, it’s worse out here. Do not attempt to cover up the smell by burning candles or incense. The Worst Smell In The World is more powerful than anything you can light on fire. And do not attempt to combat the smell with a humidifier, as adding moisture will only make it worse.
Instead, close all doors and windows and cover gaps with towels or blankets. If the smell has already entered your home, try running an air ionizer or turning on a bathroom fan.
Residents should, of course, always know where their towel is, but spares are available if anyone needs them. They can be picked up at Panic Brigade headquarters in the basement of Steer Mill School, along with air ionizers.
Gas masks are also available and will be delivered to every household as soon as the brigade has finished panicking.