Fauxhasset Paroder, 8th Edition: School district ranked first in universe

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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The lower elementary school will remain an ice castle until it melts in spring, said a spokeschild. Photo Credit

Today, Nov. 18, marks the 116th anniversary of the Hundred-Year Teacher Strike. That’s 116 years of self-governance and Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) for Fauxhasset students, an achievement that has earned the district the number-one ranking in the universe.

The third- through fifth-grade students of Steer Mill School threw a party to celebrate their 116th year of self-supervision.

Those portions of the budget that had not been earmarked for electricity, high-speed WiFi, and Steer Mill’s in-house private Chipotle restaurant were allocated to the anniversary celebration.

The budget funded the purchase of Steer Mill’s 27th bouncy house, hoverboards for every student, and a six-hour Ariana Grande concert in the gymnasium, complete with the permanent installation of bubble machines, pyrotechnics, and 42 disco balls of varying sizes.

Just up the hill, a celebration of equal proportions was taking place among the kindergarten through second-grade students.

At the divided lower elementary school, the boys of Captain America’s School for the Awesome installed an indoor skydiving machine on the baseball field and ordered new superhero uniforms for every student (but not for the girls).

Meanwhile, the girls of Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes took over the building, turned the air conditioning down to 21 degrees Fahrenheit, and hired artists to transform the entire school into an ice palace.

Professional figure skaters were hired to reenact the Disney movie “Frozen,” and every princess in school received a new pair of ice skates and a unique skating dress of her choosing. The girls said they will not be dismantling the ice castle before classes start on Monday.

“If the boys are so tough, they can handle it,” said Princess Dooey Lembas, a spokeschild from the Princess Elsa School.

It is unclear whether Fauxhasset Middle-High School observed the anniversary, since the school is still in lockdown awaiting Tom Brady’s acceptance of the presidency of their newly-fashioned nation-state.

The Fauxhasset School District is number one in the universe for PIE™. Only in recent years have schools more broadly embraced the student-centric approach, and none have done so as thoroughly as Fauxhasset.

It is because, dear readers, those communities do not trust their children. But we all know that our children are better than their children, and our tax dollars are better spent than theirs. Cheers to another great year without teachers, and here’s to many more.

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