By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Middle-High School Student Body President Zane Harris reported today that the results were in from last Tuesday’s mock election, and the student body had voted almost unanimously for Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to serve as President of the United States of America.
Students were reportedly shocked and devastated that Brady did not win the election on the national stage.
“How could this happen?” demanded Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore, in an initial statement sent to her Snapchat followers.
“Everyone I know voted Brady,” a tearful Blackstone said in the video. “But now people are saying he wasn’t even on the ballot outside of FMHS. What the actual f—k? Our election shows that the American people want Brady. For the government to withhold that choice by keeping Brady off the ballot… It was undemocratic.”
Students have been in voluntary lockdown since Election Day, weeping and gnashing their teeth. No one has entered or exited the building in six days. Inside, the 713 teenagers have been subsisting off produce from the school’s organic garden.
At first, Snapchat stories revealed the depths of students’ disappointment and despair, amplified by large, sad deer eyes. But since Nov. 9, the entire school has been participating in a technology fast while students process the outcome of the election and consider their next move.
It has been social media silence from the teens of Fauxhasset for more than six days. Parents are reporting fewer headaches, more hours of sleep, and fuller gas tanks since the teen tech fast and lockdown began. One mother even claims that her gray hairs have started turning blonde again.
Now, a week later, Harris has emerged from the school to reveal the student body’s intention to secede from the United States and become its own nation-state under Tom Brady.
“In Brady we trust,” he said.
The student body voted to allow Harris and other elected representatives to break the tech fast in order to contact their President-Elect. Harris said they’ve been reaching out to Brady, the Patriots, and Head Coach Bill Belichick via Twitter since Saturday but have not yet received a response.
“We may have to take this to the next level,” said Harris. “We’re considering sending a delegate onto Mombook to make our voices heard. Nobody wants to be the one, but we believe it’s a sacrifice worth making to have Tom Brady as President of the Fauxhasset Middle-High School – or POTFMHS, as we’ve been calling him.”
When asked how becoming President of the FMHS nation-state might affect the Patriots performance in the playoffs, Harris said he wasn’t concerned.
“If Inauguration Day rolls around and Brady is looking at another Superbowl, we’re perfectly capable of governing ourselves for an extra week or two while he takes care of that,” said Harris. “With the teacher strike going on, we’ve pretty much been doing that already for almost 116 years.”
Alternatively, said Harris, “If Brady is ready to step up as president right away, I’m sure the Patriots can still secure a Superbowl win with Jimmy Garoppolo.”