Fauxhasset Paroder, 10th Edition: Troublemakers fowl up town meeting

By Sobby Raint-John, Fauxhasset Paroder Correspondent
And Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police were called to the Assembly of Chosen’s weekly Marathon of Remarks after Two Men and Their Dog burst in wearing elaborate turkey costumes and shouting, “End the War on Thanksgiving!”

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Two Men’s Dog punctuated the argument by chewing loudly on a squeaky toy shaped like a turkey leg. Local animal rights activists are trying to determine whether this should be considered cannibalism, or at the very least, animal cruelty. Photo credit

The Fauxhasset Paroder, already reporting on the Marathon, witnessed the disturbance caused by the local troublemakers. The Chosen had been continuing their disagreement about when to take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Christmas ones.

“We’ve had two months of Halloween,” said Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk. “The Common has been covered with gravestones since September, and the congress of ghosts has been hovering around them for just as long. It’s time we give those restless spirits some rest.”

“But Halloween is a holiday everyone can agree on,” objected She-Chosen Kaia Dennis. “Not everyone celebrates Christmas, and we have to be sensitive to that.”

“We have important decisions to make about Christmas, and we can’t leave those to the last minute,” argued He-Chosen Saul Preston. “We need to figure out if Santa is going to arrive on a sleigh or on a lobster boat. It can’t be both.”

He-Chosen Gene Strom waved it off.

“People don’t even really like Christmas,” said Strom. “In the past, I’ve gotten calls from the neighbors complaining that the lights on the Common are too bright and they can’t sleep. The message we’re getting is that cheer is passé. Now, if you wanted to put up a shopping mall on the Common, I think people would really like that.”

That was when Two Men and Their Dog so rudely interrupted the Marathon with their frivolous get-ups and two golden, fresh, steaming… I mean, extremely stinky and offensive apple pies, which they laid before the Chosen as a sort of offering.

“There is another holiday between Halloween and Christmas,” said Two Men and Their Dog. “A time for enjoying each other’s company and stuffing our faces until we pass out. We have a beautiful town and a beautiful community here in Fauxhasset. Let us not forget to be grateful for that.”

By this time, Town Manager Mown Tanager had quietly slipped away from the table, locked himself in his office, and, presumably, called the police, who were on the scene within eight minutes. Order was soon restored.

The next day, the Paroder caught up with Two Men and Their Dog at home, after being reminded by police that their phone was still being held in evidence for taking pictures of trees.

The house was easily identifiable by the hay bales and cornucopia on display by the mailbox and the rows of pumpkins, gourds and mums lining the walkway to the door. A hand-carved sign on the door reminded visitors to “Give Thanks.”

“We just wanted the town not to forget about Thanksgiving,” explained Two Men and Their Dog around mouthfuls of turkey. “The holidays just go by so fast ya’ know?”

It is not clear at this time if Two Men and Their Dog will be charged.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 9th Edition: Smell hell

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: An outside consultant has now officially confirmed reports that the heavy fog over Fauxhasset this morning is comprised of The Worst Smell In The World.

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Gas masks will be delivered shortly to every home in town. Photo credit

The first complaints came from residents along the coast around 5:30 a.m.

“The first caller thought it was a septic failure,” recounted Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The second thought he smelled an electrical fire. We’ve heard the odor described as neighbors cooking too much cabbage, someone smoking outside the window – an invisible someone, with an invisible cigarette – the overwhelming odor of olives, and, for some reason, a U-Haul full of black licorice.”

The consultant explained, “The Worst Smell In The World is heterogeneous. It targets individuals by smelling like the thing they hate the most.”

By the time parents were sending students to bus stops, the foul fog had reached the Village. And by 8:00 a.m., the entire town was blanketed in it, prompting Tanager to reach out to the consultant.

The consultant, as he strapped on his gas mask, said all we can really do is get a “juice gun and rainy day coat.” Or at least, that’s what it sounded like through the mask.

Residents, do not panic. Leave that to the Panic Brigade. They’ve spent years drilling for an emergency such as this and are certified by the State Emergency Department to respond appropriately in the face of any crisis.

Do not go outside if you can help it. Trust us, it’s worse out here. Do not attempt to cover up the smell by burning candles or incense. The Worst Smell In The World is more powerful than anything you can light on fire. And do not attempt to combat the smell with a humidifier, as adding moisture will only make it worse.

Instead, close all doors and windows and cover gaps with towels or blankets. If the smell has already entered your home, try running an air ionizer or turning on a bathroom fan.

Residents should, of course, always know where their towel is, but spares are available if anyone needs them. They can be picked up at Panic Brigade headquarters in the basement of Steer Mill School, along with air ionizers.

Gas masks are also available and will be delivered to every household as soon as the brigade has finished panicking.

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 8th Edition: School district ranked first in universe

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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The lower elementary school will remain an ice castle until it melts in spring, said a spokeschild. Photo Credit

Today, Nov. 18, marks the 116th anniversary of the Hundred-Year Teacher Strike. That’s 116 years of self-governance and Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) for Fauxhasset students, an achievement that has earned the district the number-one ranking in the universe.

The third- through fifth-grade students of Steer Mill School threw a party to celebrate their 116th year of self-supervision.

Those portions of the budget that had not been earmarked for electricity, high-speed WiFi, and Steer Mill’s in-house private Chipotle restaurant were allocated to the anniversary celebration.

The budget funded the purchase of Steer Mill’s 27th bouncy house, hoverboards for every student, and a six-hour Ariana Grande concert in the gymnasium, complete with the permanent installation of bubble machines, pyrotechnics, and 42 disco balls of varying sizes.

Just up the hill, a celebration of equal proportions was taking place among the kindergarten through second-grade students.

At the divided lower elementary school, the boys of Captain America’s School for the Awesome installed an indoor skydiving machine on the baseball field and ordered new superhero uniforms for every student (but not for the girls).

Meanwhile, the girls of Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes took over the building, turned the air conditioning down to 21 degrees Fahrenheit, and hired artists to transform the entire school into an ice palace.

Professional figure skaters were hired to reenact the Disney movie “Frozen,” and every princess in school received a new pair of ice skates and a unique skating dress of her choosing. The girls said they will not be dismantling the ice castle before classes start on Monday.

“If the boys are so tough, they can handle it,” said Princess Dooey Lembas, a spokeschild from the Princess Elsa School.

It is unclear whether Fauxhasset Middle-High School observed the anniversary, since the school is still in lockdown awaiting Tom Brady’s acceptance of the presidency of their newly-fashioned nation-state.

The Fauxhasset School District is number one in the universe for PIE™. Only in recent years have schools more broadly embraced the student-centric approach, and none have done so as thoroughly as Fauxhasset.

It is because, dear readers, those communities do not trust their children. But we all know that our children are better than their children, and our tax dollars are better spent than theirs. Cheers to another great year without teachers, and here’s to many more.