A good boot is hard to find

A good boot is hard to find.

Too much heel and you sacrifice comfort on the altar of fashion: a bold move, and one you will regret. A stiletto heel is only useful on pumps, for in spite of preventing a woman from doing anything really productive or fun, a pump can at least be torn off in a fit of passion or panic and used as a weapon. A boot will not come off so quickly or smoothly and so is less useful. Plus, you will probably be wearing your boot in the snow and ice; one slip and the aforementioned sacrifice could extend as far as your life, or at least the integrity of your anklebone. Too little heel, though, and the back splits, letting said snow and ice into what ought to be a fortress.

Yes, a boot should be a fortress for the foot. And the foot is a queen, whom you must enthrone in both comfort and style: a rare combination. You will have to send your most valiant knights to seek this fabled treasure. The Holy Podiatric Grail will be guarded heavily. Keep an eye on the shadows for markups masquerading as “sale prices.” Watch out for brand-name brigands, who will hold a knife to your throat and demand a hefty ransom for your life.

If you should be so lucky as to find the Good Boot, you must verify it is not a cheap forgery. The sole should be stitched, not glued, or it shall come apart at the first sign of moisture. The material should be what it is, and not pretending to be, say, leather with a cheap coat of lacquer. False boots may try to wow you with a sleek suede or velour exterior, but do not be distracted by their shine, for they will not hold up to the elements.

If you believe you’ve found the Holy Grail, be prepared to answer these questions three: “What is your size?” “What is your favorite color?” And, “what is your credit card number?”

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